IDT1415 CW Entry 13 - The Journey (Second Draft incorporating feedback from Veronica)

The Journey

By Rob Martz

(Second draft)

Sirius was a kind, loving, determined, powerful and protective gryphon-like creature whose head was that of a dog rather than an eagle. ‘Sirius, we must get there before midnight!’ Said Rob while gently letting him know he appreciated his taking him to Tor’s place after his ordeal - losing Elsa, his first love, had clearly broken Sirius’ heart.

Sirius knew how much Rob loved him and how he’d never considered him an animal, but his own family, the son he never had. Sirius would do anything for him as they were one soul; like the time when Rob and Tor were attacked by a pack of wolves and Sirius had scattered them with a single blow of his mighty wings.

They flew over mountains and down dark valleys, past meadows and through forests. They rode storms and fought lighting, delighted in gentle whirlwinds and glided over their own worries feeling strong in each other’s company. The colours below them almost reflected their current feelings. It was winter and so the trees were bare and lonely, just as Sirius was feeling after Elsa’s departure. The deep purple and dark brown hues of the rotting leaves covering the forests almost mirrored Rob’s heartache for Elsa and Tor’s distance.

‘Thank you, thank you, thank you!’ Thought Rob while feeling Sirius’ heartbeat. ‘Thank you for allowing me to be part of your life!’ Still vivid in Rob’s mind the day Tor found in the forest Sirius. Big as a fist and noisy as a cracker Sirius’ family had been savaged by hunters and had missed him by chance. Sirius filled up Rob’s heart in one go, he took possession of it without asking for permission and from that very moment Rob loved Sirius as his own offspring.

Sirius felt Rob’s warmth and love as his hands gently held on to Sirius’ dark gold mane and Rob’s chest pressed against his back as Sirius flew through the air like lighting. Almost supernaturally Sirius embraced Rob, feathers as shields all round him, as if trying to protect him from the stabbing wind.

‘Thank Goodness!’ Thought Rob as he saw the city in the distance. The tattered roofs needing thatching were evident. The square at the outskirts of the settlement waved at them vigorously. The creek ran freely by the side of the houses on the East and washed over the barren winter fields. The market was afflicted by desolation and emptiness at this hour and gave a spectral rendition of an otherwise pleasant and lively street. ‘We’re almost there!’ They couldn’t wait any longer to be reunited with Tor. Rob could almost see the happiest of times with Tor passing as a multicolour flick in front of his eyes in anticipation of their approaching reunion. Rob had met Tor 216 moons ago and their love was still fresh, sincere, impetuous, and strong as the first day.

It had been a long journey fraught with perils and loneliness kept at bay by Rob and Sirius’ love. Storms and lighting had almost translated into Sirius wings being broken and burnt. Luckily the blaze had only hit the back of Rob’s flapping garment and scorched the surface of Sirius’ right side feathers. The cold and stabbing wind had reached deep into their hearts and reminded them of their recent loss making it a heavier burden for Sirius to keep airborne. Only their love gave Rob the strength to wrap Sirius in a cocoon of happiness which brought back their happiest memories and gave Sirius the extra boost to fly higher, faster, fly home.

Tor knew Rob and Sirius were near. He could feel it in his heart. He felt warm, protected, stronger, more confident and invincible. He could almost hear Sirius’ wings powerful fluttering. He could smell Rob’s skin. 18 years had passed and he was still very much one with Rob. He could vividly remember the public house they had met at and the people sitting at the round table opposite the one Rob shared with Karl. Tor remembered how his attention had been captured by this outsider who struggled to communicate in his tongue and used words from other languages as if trying to see which would help him convey his message across. Tor was taken back to that same table, minutes after Karl had gone, with the sole purpose of knowing more about Rob. Little did he know that only half a moon away they would have been sharing the same roof and that a couple of years later a bundle of joy would have crossed their paths: Sirius! Tor had brought him into their lives when he was only 45 days old and had never regretted one single day spent with him. Sirius was meant to be part of their lives and had come to them to fulfil his destiny. If he was not why then did the hunters missed him? A toy bone Sirius used to play with when he was little brought Tor back from his memories. ‘I’ll wait for them outside’ He thought filled with joy.

Anticipation filled Tor’s heart as he struggled not to laugh out loud at the silly happiness that was flooding his senses. He could not let those emotions show, he was too manly to let them transpire. ‘It would not be appropriate’ He thought. What would his parents say? In his culture even a man of his age, almost four decades old, is expected to be strong, emotionless so showing such emotion would not be appropriate of a man in such traditional culture. All the same, as Tor looked down into the valley, his eyes searching for Rob and Sirius, a sense of happiness and joy filled him up and translated into tangible hope. He knew together they could face anything. He needed them both, they were his strength and aim in life. ‘Fly high, Sirius, come home!’ He shouted. ‘Elsa is not gone, but simply waiting for you in a better place and watching over you till you meet again’, he thought with tears of joy filling up his eyes. ‘Come home, come to me!’ He thought so loudly the garden rejoiced.

‘Sirius!’ Tor shouted, his voice trembling with joy as he saw them approaching and Sirius spreading his wings to gracefully land in front of him. ‘Rob!’ He thought again so loudly Rob heard him. All this time waiting seemed like seconds thanks to the joy that filled the air. Tears ran down their cheeks and filled up their hearts. Not one word uttered and yet a whole story was told in the rib-breaking hug that welded the three of them together, in the soft metal-bending touch they shared, in three heart beats shouting in unison: ‘We’re finally together’. They felt invincible!

IDT1415 CW Entry 12 - Feedback on First Draft

Summary of Veronica’s feedback for blog post:


In my next draft I need to focus on the following areas:

• Define relationships to clarify story for reader
• Design a focus while keeping mystery secret
• Choose a single point of view to avoid ‘jumpiness’
• Create conflict or something that needs resolving
• Work the story around this conflict
• Use the ‘details’ technique to fill in the gaps in the story

I think this feedback will help me move forward as if I manage to provide a single focus (that of Rob’s) then it will be easier for the reader to follow the story. I can see that often I find myself describing things from Rob, Tor or Sirius' point of view and so referents can create confusion because of the this jumping from one view to the next. I also realise now that although the relationship between the characters is clear to me I need to add more detail so that readers can see the complexity of the story without trying to figure out what it is.

I think that designing a focus while keeping mystery secret is going to be difficult as it is not immediately clear to me how to do this, but I think this is one of the techniques we will be looking at soon. I will definitely need help here! As regards conflict in the story, I like the idea and I think there’s a little bit of conflict or tension already. I deliberately left out some info thinking this would create mystery but I guess I need to make sure it is not challenging to read otherwise nobody will want to read it.  My immediate next step is adding this feedback to the story and see how it changes the second draft.

IDT1415 CW Entry 11 – ‘Sticks’ by G. Saunders used as a model for ‘detailed’ description exercises in the classroom.

Ink

 A flash fiction idea by Rob Martz.

It was early morning and we were ready for our first meal of the day. After all that travelling we were not hungry but hollow! As we crossed, we noticed how the street proudly wore a necklace of round pebbles adorned by street bollards which led to the entrance of our morning paradise. We garnished out plates with all sorts of delicacies and had almost finished tasting them with our eyes by the time we sat down. There was something missing on the table and so I effortlessly levitated towards the end of the counter and after rejecting a few of the available containers for lack of courtesy in their own presentation to a guest of such calibre, I proceeded to invite joe to lodge with moo juice in the beaker I’d be taking home with me. We strode back to my comrades and as I sat down, I stirred the concoction. The smell of the freshly brewed mocha was inviting and as it approached my mouth horror struck! ‘Excuse me!’ My personal space had been invaded by a representative of the arthropod family who had decided to go for a relaxing plunge unaware of the fact that moo juice would reveal its presence. A sense of repulsion invaded my gut and trigger a desire to annihilate the minions and the owner of such a lacking establishment. I rose and flounced towards the maître holding the cup as if it was a spear ready to strike. ‘Excuse me’ I authoritatively roared. ‘There’s an uninvited guest here!’ I affirmed de facto as I pointed in the direction of the pool where the invader was swimming unconsciously. ‘Oh, it’s just a ‘bichito’ Sir’. The minion said. ‘A ‘bichito’? A mosquito, an ant, and a horde of other representatives of the invertebrate kingdom are ‘bichitos’. This is the most representative of the Blattodea order! I want it evicted and fresh ink to be delivered at once!’ ‘You can procure it yourself from the same source’ the minion said. In disbelief, I retorted ‘That pot is a Jacuzzi for the Blatella Germanica! Please be my guest of honour in the gourmet tasting of the broth!’ Horror became terror as nothing disrupted the tasks of the minions and life continued as the scene had just been part of the daily routine. Fragrant ink using both to fill in the Jacuzzis of the Buenos Aires Blattodea Sports Club and the beakers of respectful guests! Never again!

IDT1415 CW Entry 10 - The Character

IDT1415 Entry 10 CW – A new character

The last paragraph from 'The Scene' so that the character can be seen in context...

Dinner was ready and a buffet of colour made Rob’s eyes delirious and stomach happy! Orange, red, violet, yellow and pink mixed nicely together in a vegetable stew that hypnotised the senses. Tender carrots slices in a think tomato gravy decorated with aubergine strips, potato dices and Armeria Maritima Rosea petals. A mouth-watering sight which Rob struggled not to throw himself into. ‘Tor’, he thought. ‘End this torture, please!’.

THE CHARACTER

Tor turned around as if he had heard Rob and walked towards the table holding an artfully carved wooden bowl in one hand and freshly made bread still warm in the other. As they sat, the room was inundated with the sweet fragrance of a jasmine field which put their minds in a sort of spiritual trance. They felt as light as a feather and forgetful of their physical bodies levitating towards a graceful and loving presence. Light came through the windows and as intense as mid day light it blinded their eyes to open their minds. Joyful distant laughter surrounded them with a tempo that went from adagio to allegro gradually as if announcing an entrance. ‘Elsa’ Rob and Tor shouted in their minds as their eyes focused on the elegant and powerful figure before them. Elsa was radiant in every aspect – her black and auburn hair was shiny, her ears proudly stood as if posing at a gala, her hazel eyes piercing with love but defiant with strength, her body slender and yet powerful, her mighty paws inspired respect, her tail resting motionless by her side and her wings folded and covering her sides and back as an armor. Rob’s heart was full of questions, there was so much he wanted to know. Why was she here? Why now? Why them and not Sirius? Rob knew how her departure had tinted Sirius’ life with darker hues atypical of his colourful manner. Sirius longed for her company and his frustration would only be subsided when he sought refuge in his own loving memories of a joyful past. Sirius was constantly away with her in the only place he could now meet her. ‘I’m fine’ Elsa said and her words brought Rob’s mind back to the room. Rob could see the three of them as if he was out of his own body and yet he was calm, a sense of completion filled him up, warmth and joy, happiness and fulfilment. ‘I’m not gone. I’m here with you, and will always be’. Rob and Tor said nothing and yet all their thoughts in response to Elsa would fill up endless pages. ‘I know Sirius’ heart and soon there will be no need to meet in his memories any more’. She smiled and Rob and Tor understood and were happy for Sirius.

IDT1415 CW Entry 9 - The Scene

In continuation with the exercises for this week, this entry is about the scene which would follow in my story ‘The Journey’. I published the story via Storybird and so I have pasted just the text below for ease of comprehensibility.

The Journey

By Rob Martz

 

‘Sirius, we must get there before midnight!’ Said Rob while gently letting him know he appreciated his taking him to Tor’s place after his ordeal - losing his first love, Elsa had clearly broken his heart.

Sirius knew how much Rob loved him and how he’d never considered him a pet, but his own family, the son he never had. Sirius would do anything for him as they were one soul.

They flew over mountains and down dark valleys, past meadows and through forests. They rode storms and fought lighting, delighted in gentle whirlwinds and glided over their own worries feeling strong in each other’s company.

‘Thank you, thank you, thank you!’ Thought Rob while feeling Sirius’ heartbeat. ‘Thank you for allowing me to be part of your life!’

Sirius felt Rob’s warmth and love, and almost supernaturally embraced Rob, feathers as shields all round him, as if trying to protect him from the stabbing wind.

‘Thank Goodness!’ Thought Rob as he saw the city in the distance. ‘We’re almost there!’ They couldn’t wait any longer to be reunited with Tor. It had been a long journey fraught with perils and loneliness kept at bay by Rob and Sirius’ love.

Tor knew Rob and Sirius were near. He could feel it in his heart. 18 years had passed and he was still very much one with Rob. He’d brought Sirius into their lives when he was only 45 days old and had never regretted one single day spent with him. Sirius was meant to be part of their lives and had come to them to fulfil his destiny. ‘I’ll wait for them outside’ He thought filled with joy.

Anticipation filled Tor’s heart as he struggled not to laugh out loud at the silly happiness that was flooding his senses. He could not let those emotions show, he was too manly to let them transpire. ‘It would not be appropriate’ He thought.

What would his parents say? Showing such emotion would not be appropriate of a man in such traditional culture. All the same, as Tor looked down into the valley, his eyes searching for Rob and Sirius, a sense of happiness and joy filled him up and translated into tangible hope. ‘Fly high, Sirius, come home!’ He shouted. ‘Elsa is not gone, but simply waiting for you in a better place and watching over you till you meet again’, he thought with tears of joy filling up his eyes. ‘Come home, come to me!’ He thought so loudly the garden rejoiced.

‘Sirius!’ Tor shouted, his voice trembling with joy. ‘Rob!’ He thought again so loudly Rob heard him. All this time waiting seemed like seconds thanks to the joy that filled the air. Tears ran down their cheeks and filled up their hearts. Not one word uttered and yet a whole story was told in the rib-breaking hug that welded the three of them together, in the soft metal-bending touch they shared, in three heart beats shouting in unison: ‘We’re finally together and ready to face our future’. They felt invincible!

THE SCENE

Sirius was hungry and Rob knew it so he touched Sirius’ head lovingly and encouraged him to fly away to fix himself a nice meal. Rob had tried in the past providing him with snacks which Sirius did not seem to appreciate so they both had early understood nurturing was a task Sirius was happier to look into.

It had been a while since the last time Rob had been to the cottage and so as he walked in his happiest memories came to life thanks to the love that permeated every corner. The fire was on and the crackling replicated laughter and joyful voices of the past; the air was warm and sweet, and announced a feast of roast vegetables and freshly homemade bread to come. The flowers by the fire-dogs were perky and joyful almost saying hello with their sweet perfume in the prime of their youth without paying attention to their already decided short existence. Two wooden plates with matching goblets rested ready under the flickering light of candles at the centre of the table. Rob stopped by the chair closest to the window and resting his hands on the carved shoulders he remembered Tor chiseling every inch. The smooth edges of the intricate designs reminded him of Tor’s patience and lasting love. Those red oak back rests fitted harmoniously the cherry and African mahogany seats and sturdy legs. The open space kitchen was cozy and inviting. The copper pots and pans hanging by the ceiling swung delicately like Tai-Chi monks playing tiny crystal cymbals in the air. Tor was busy orchestrating dinner under them and every now and then would raise his hands as if to increase them tempo and invite them to join the concert on the kitchen counter.

Dinner was ready and a buffet of colour made Rob’s eyes delirious and stomach happy! Orange, red, violet, yellow and pink mixed nicely together in a vegetable stew that hypnotised the senses. Tender carrots slices in a think tomato gravy decorated with aubergine strips, potato dices and Armeria Maritima Rosea petals. A mouth-watering sight which Rob struggled not to throw himself into. ‘Tor’, he thought. ‘End this torture, please!’.